my bestfriends diary

- and that purest love connects me to you from here to heaven. I've been missing you a lot, az in a lot! There was never a time when I never felt so empty knowing you're not around anymore. But as Mitch Albom says...
You're not just physically around but you're here...inside my heart and in my memories. I Love You, Ma. :'((

It has been two months since my last updated post and now, here I am again expressing my inner thoughts through this blog. I wanted to seized this opportunity to make myself heard for I am desperately in need of someone {whoever you are} to listen to my woes likewise to understand me to the best that you can.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not okay! I’m hurting. My heart is bleeding, my soul is bruised..I’m emotionally ill, pls help…

I felt confused, so anxious and helpless...a feeling of self-pity has poured all over me and if entertain may capable of drowning a person to the pit of his frustration, just like me. I’m hiding my sadness so as not to worry those who loved and care about me. Showing them a fake smile so that they can see that I’m doing okay but the truth is I’m not. Pretending a happiness I don’t feel makes me go ‘gaga’. I wanted to let this out but I would gradually break down if I do so. Recently, I had a long conversation with myself and as expected I shivered into tears, but that was such a relief. I was alone in my room that time but I knew deep inside me that HE was there. I can’t see Him but He was there. Perhaps, if He’s physically present that time, I would have thrown myself into His arms.What I need most that instant is a HUG, a shoulder to cry on, and a warm embrace of someone who understands. I talked to him while letting my tears flow. I surrendered myself, my frustration, my Life to HIM. I was about to give up but HE never let me. For all the highs and lows of my life, He has been there, guiding me all throughout my journey. He hated me to see in pain for HE was more hurt that I am. He continuously hugged me tightly, letting me realize that HE is within me, living inside my soul and giving light to my darkest times.

A giant leap of faith had crashed into my sorrowful soul. It taught me to laugh at my sufferings; reminded me that I still have my loved ones {family and friends} who are expecting me to emerge as a stronger person. As of this moment, I’m still dealing with my personal dilemma but I’m coping fine already. Whenever my state of mind goes ‘gaga’ again, I just throw it to HIM, after all, HE loves catching and crashing it for me. Though I’m still hurting and had a bleeding heart and a bruised soul, I know I’ll be able to cure this with the use of HIS medicine kit. And in HIS time, I WILL BE HEALED.

There’s some point in my pre-adulthood life where jealousy reigned within me.That was the time when I felt so ridiculous and stuttered.I was jealous because some pay more attentions to ‘some’. Some spent more time with their boyfriends. Some are being isolated with their works. Some are so busy their hectic schedules and some simply ignored me. *I negatively supposed* It reached to the point where I felt being neglected and worthless.

But one day, realization came... Why should I be jealous when I know where I stand for them? I’m confident that I owned a piece of their love and care. My jealous-mind was suddenly awakened. I know for a fact that I only have a temporary life with them. So when it comes to spending time and creating memories, I put effort to it. I slowly killed my jealousy to all those staffs. The sour feeling I was dwelling is the only thing that was hurting me. Jealousy welcomes sadness, anger and pain and I hated to feel that way. I’m not making myself a good favor for being so pessimistic. The impact of jealousy tears friendship apart which threatened me. Gladly I was able to overcome it.

So now, to cover up all those wasted time, I see and spend time with them more often. Making them feel that they are loved and I cared. No jealousy, only happy smiles and cherished time together.

haist..:(

i need to write what's on my mind this time!
i can't take it!

Every time I see a grandpa or grandma whose still works so hard to feed their families, it really touches me. My heart felt compassion for their kind who’s supposed to rest already. Kanina lang, when my workmates and I went out to buy some food, I saw another grandpa who’s silently seated at the side of the road. He carried with him a small cart which I think that was a bunch of garbage inside. It caught my attention kasi nakaka-awang tignan,it tears my heart out.At their age they should be enjoying their living. However because of life’s unjust condition, it left them no choice but to work to provide themselves and their families’ needs. It’s so sad to think na kailangan pa nilang magbanat nang buto talaga to survive.

Hai buhay talaga! Kakalungkot lang talaga isipin. (eh di wag kong isipin, ganun???) iwan ko ba, eh sa napapansin ko lang talaga sila. And it brings back the memory of my late Lolo who’s been like that in his times. It saddened me whenever may nakikita akong ganun. Life has been so unfair ika nga.And in my own opinion, UNFAIR talaga! It depends nalang on how you accept the truth and how will you adapt to it. And it’s merely accepting the fact that whatever situation in life na meron tayo ngayon, enjoy natin, live the best out of it, appreciate what’s good na meron tayo and live with faith. eh sa ganyan talaga ang buhay…

Yun lang, thank you..