my bestfriends diary

Monday last week, I had an argument thru chat with a friend. I even posted it here right after that unpleasant spat. It started with a confrontation and because I got carried away, alike on the other party it turned out as amiss. It’s a total misunderstanding but it affected our friendship. I chat her Tuesday of the same week, Yes she replied but that didn’t give me the assurance that she is no longer mad at me. I’m hesitant at first as she might ignore me but gladly she didn’t. I let her read the blog I posted about our conflict. I supposed she was touched and happy too but still, I’m not assured. Wednesday noon, when I accompanied a common friend of ours for a consultation at the hospital, we saw each other there. I felt nervous upon seeing her. It’s like I had butterflies in my stomach. However, I ignored that feeling. She sat beside me but we both felt the awkwardness between the two of us. She admitted that to me same as I to her. We parted ways that day with no assertion that we’re okay. Saturday afternoon, she texted me regarding an agreement we had before and we continued exchanging text messages. We even saw each other again. We talk as if nothing happened however a bit of discomfort is there.

I admit that I’m troubled. During our chat conversation last Monday, she said that “she misses the old me”. I was astounded for a few minutes. Several questions popped out from my mind. Does she mean that she never accepted me for who I am now? For all those years of friendship, she expressed that statement I can’t reckon. I was deeply hurt. I never expected that. It caused me pain and confusion.*sigh*

I wanted to believe that we’re doing okay but I can feel it, deep inside me that we are not totally fine. The difference now compared before is obvious to me. Perhaps, I am being paranoid. Paranoia strikes again!!! I wanted to ask her concerning this matter but I decided not to because it might lead to another misconception again. Well, I guess I have to deal with this. Sometimes it's better to leave the things as they are and decided to say nothing.*sigh* the hanging question now: When will she learn to accept me wholeheartedly? And the answer is unknown. :(