my bestfriends diary

“You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time... has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it”

She felt discriminated. She was! For having heard all those "hehe" and "haha"... Yeah those few!!! {tsk} Do you think it looks hilarious to laugh with? It got to her nerves! She felt like she was the most tedious someone that moment. She felt sorry for herself all over again. Well, she’s not smart, as clever as you are. Bad thing for her, yeah I know! Although she was used to this kind of teasing but it offended her! She was upset. Can you please be a little sensitive???You hurt her...

It’s been a while since her last updated post. Her mind has been pre-occupied with so many things; which is causing her headache. (tsktsk) And up to this very minute she is not certain if she can note down this post as detailed as it’s supposed to be. However, she’s a little bit worried as you might find this post shallow. But still, she’ll do her best to share those mix thoughts that’s been bothering her this past few days.

First on the line:

WORK!!!
~For the 4th time in her career history, here she goes again. She was never satisfied with her previous work, similarly with her present. She finds a way to like whatever job she had BUT there has always been lacking. Honestly, she’s sick of this, jumping from one work to another. She wanted to be stable; nevertheless, she must find another one; one that can satisfy her; one that can really support her financially. She doesn’t want to waste her time to a job she doesn’t like anymore.

FINANCIAL SITUATION
~She is financially unstable, since she is the one supporting her younger sister’s tuition fees and allowance. What a responsibility she had but she’s happy though. It’s a fulfilling act for her. She was having a hard time budgeting her P2700 salary every payroll. It doesn’t pay off. (tsk!) She can’t even buy herself a pair of shoes or a cheap bag. Many times she ate one meal a day (imagine that???) it’s not a surprise why she looks so thin. Fortunately for her, she has falling angels who are ready to catch her whenever she’s out of budget *as usual*

LOW SELF-ESTEEM
She’s currently dealing with this matter:
~She’s putting herself down.
~She constantly doubts whether she can achieve anything.
~She doesn’t like how she looks; those stupid pimples growing over her face are so annoying.
~She got easily upset on petty issues.
~She losses her temper at a drop of a hat.
~Her impatience at times.
In short, she’s being so NEGA ever. And she discerns what would be the worst possible outcome if she continues to be like this. She doesn’t want it to happen that’s why she’s working on it as early as possible. To overcome this self- defeating attitude is what she aims first amongst all her concerns in life.



So, that sums it up. You may find it shallow… and you may think I’m being silly for bothering myself about those things. But it does matter to me. I’m putting myself in perspective so that it will be uncomplicated for me to resolve those concerns. I believe I can do it!!! Just recently a friend of mine introduced me to this song. I took a grasp of listening and after that, something inside me boosts out, well, its confidence I thought. Take time and listen it for yourself..

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt" . ~Sylvia Plath~





*sigh* i wanted to write everything that's been bothering me.

BUT!
My mind is empty.
I’m running out of words.
Lost in thoughts.
A hurl of my expressions appears futile.
Bucket of ideas turns out to barren of nothingness.

YES,
I’m raring to write.
However everything seems to dissolve whenever I insist on jotting down my thoughts.

MAYBE,
I need time.
Don't be on a rush.
You'll see, everything will soon come out in the open.

GodBless..

From the time when I learned about angels, I always wonder if they are real.They are often being referred to as guardian angels, who are sent by God from heaven to deliver HIS message to mankind, and to watch over human beings like me and you from danger. We all have guardian angels. Each individual has their own angel guiding them and protecting them from harm.

I do believe in them {angels} ;) YES! They do exist!

As I travel through my life’s journey, I’ve discover that they are real; can be seen, can be touch and you can even exchange conversation with them. Lucky for me I have few of them to prove that certain heavenly mortals do live with us. The truest angels I have known. They are the ones who are with me most of the time. They share my happiness, laugh thru my corniest joke, comforted me when I’m down and accepted me at my worst…they are the ones who listen to me with understanding. With them I can be myself; with no pretension and all. Because of them I learned to appreciate life more and I’m enjoying every second that counts on it. It’s them who taught me to extend my trust, to be optimistic and be positive in every way. They are the rainbow which appears every after rainfall and stormy days of my living. They are my protectors who shield me with protection thru their prayers; the puzzles who completed my imperfect life; the source of my strength, likewise my weakest point. They are the best buddies I could ever have in this whole wide universe. [hahaha] and I'm proud to introduce them here in my post one by one...(dancing banana) *courtesy of plurk*

*with my Aising*

* my SpeciaL aiLyn*

*chang2x*

*my 1heart*

*jojo*


Those are my angels, my confidant who plays a big part of my life..^^,

Monday last week, I had an argument thru chat with a friend. I even posted it here right after that unpleasant spat. It started with a confrontation and because I got carried away, alike on the other party it turned out as amiss. It’s a total misunderstanding but it affected our friendship. I chat her Tuesday of the same week, Yes she replied but that didn’t give me the assurance that she is no longer mad at me. I’m hesitant at first as she might ignore me but gladly she didn’t. I let her read the blog I posted about our conflict. I supposed she was touched and happy too but still, I’m not assured. Wednesday noon, when I accompanied a common friend of ours for a consultation at the hospital, we saw each other there. I felt nervous upon seeing her. It’s like I had butterflies in my stomach. However, I ignored that feeling. She sat beside me but we both felt the awkwardness between the two of us. She admitted that to me same as I to her. We parted ways that day with no assertion that we’re okay. Saturday afternoon, she texted me regarding an agreement we had before and we continued exchanging text messages. We even saw each other again. We talk as if nothing happened however a bit of discomfort is there.

I admit that I’m troubled. During our chat conversation last Monday, she said that “she misses the old me”. I was astounded for a few minutes. Several questions popped out from my mind. Does she mean that she never accepted me for who I am now? For all those years of friendship, she expressed that statement I can’t reckon. I was deeply hurt. I never expected that. It caused me pain and confusion.*sigh*

I wanted to believe that we’re doing okay but I can feel it, deep inside me that we are not totally fine. The difference now compared before is obvious to me. Perhaps, I am being paranoid. Paranoia strikes again!!! I wanted to ask her concerning this matter but I decided not to because it might lead to another misconception again. Well, I guess I have to deal with this. Sometimes it's better to leave the things as they are and decided to say nothing.*sigh* the hanging question now: When will she learn to accept me wholeheartedly? And the answer is unknown. :(